Some X rated Limericks


Bilnnor@...
 

In a message dated 3/16/99 9:30:09 PM Central Standard Time, kegel@...
writes:

<< One of my favorite authors of limericks are by science fiction writer
(and humorist), Isaac Asimov. He is also the author of some great
groaners. If anyone would like some I would be happy to e-mail them to you.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Sure. Please send them. thx

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Stan Kegel <kegel@...>
 

One of my favorite authors of limericks are by science fiction writer
(and humorist), Isaac Asimov. He is also the author of some great
groaners. If anyone would like some I would be happy to e-mail them to you.

These limericks are sexual so I hope our younger readers and anyone
who might be offended will read no further.

Nymphomaniac Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallis.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.

Said a woman with open delight,
My pubic hairs perfectly white.
I admit theres a glare,
But the fellows dont care
They locate it more quickly at night,

There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.

There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as youd guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaifed maiden to boot.

There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.

A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson.

All by Isaac Asimov

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Lars Hanson <parkersan@...>
 

Stan,

Always ready for good limericks!

Thanks!

Aloha,

Lars

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars Hanson
parkersan@... <mailto:parkersan@...>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-----Original Message-----
From: Stan Kegel [mailto:kegel@...]
Sent: Tuesday, March 16, 1999 10:31 PM
To: puny@...
Subject: [puny] Some X rated Limericks


One of my favorite authors of limericks are by science fiction writer
(and humorist), Isaac Asimov. He is also the author of some great
groaners. If anyone would like some I would be happy to e-mail them to you.

These limericks are sexual so I hope our younger readers and anyone
who might be offended will read no further.

Nymphomaniac Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallis.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.

Said a woman with open delight,
My pubic hairs perfectly white.
I admit theres a glare,
But the fellows dont care
They locate it more quickly at night,

There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.

There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as youd guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaifed maiden to boot.

There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.

A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson.

All by Isaac Asimov

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Stan Kegel <kegel@...>
 

Lars Hanson wrote:

Stan,

Always ready for good limericks!

Thanks!

Aloha,

Lars
Heres what I have in limericks:

Stan
Limiricks



There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.

There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."

There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he'd at last found a tight 'un.
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you're not in the right 'un."

Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.

A pansy up in Khartoum,
took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
as to who had the right
to do what, with which and to whom.

There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But 'twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie -
'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Massaging the bust of his madam.
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.

There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

There was a young man from Bellaire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

A young curate, just new to the cloth,
At sex was surely no sloth.
He preached masturbation
To his whole congregation,
And was washed down the aisle on the froth.

A progressive professor named Tinners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the very debased
Would not be held back by beginners.

There once was a couple named Kelley
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste,
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.

There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex,
It could please either sex,
and it played with itself in between.
Some aliens abducted a slew
Of young virgins, but not for a screw:
"We won't risk E. coli,
hepatitis, eboli;
We'll see they're well done in a stew"

Even those most accustomed to grue
Were shocked when an alien guru
Deftly made gourmet fare
Wasting only the hair
While converting the gristle to glue

That horrible alien crew
Started eating on some unseen cue
Did they truly not care
'Bout our horrified stare?
To this question they left not a clue

They finished their meal with a brew,
Then before anyone could say "Boo!"
They wiped off their chins,
Gave us hideous grins,
And blasted off into the blue

There once was a sot from Niagra
who dropped in the Falls his Viagra
There came a hiccup,
The Falls now flowed UP.
And Droopy developed pellagra.

A horny old man from Lake Placid
Lamented his member was flaccid
But when he took his pill
His wife got her fill
She just wished the sensation had lasted

There once was a woman so tearful
of giving a blowjob she was fearful
in a moment of dread
she turned her head
and BOY did she get an earful

There was a young woman named Melanie
Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?'
She replied, "No, siree,
I give it for free.
To sell it, dear sir, is a felony."

There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a f*cking machine,
Concave and convex,
It would fit either sex,
But oh, what a bastard to clean!

There once was a hermit named Dave.
Kept a dead prostitute in a cave.
I have to admit,
She smells just a bit.
But think of the money I save!
There was a young lady from Norway,
who stood on her head in the doorway.
And said to her man,
"Get off the devan,
I think I've discovered on more way!"

An amorous couple named Kelly,
Was stuck steadfast belly-to-belly,
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of Petroleum Jelly!

A man who lives on his own
proficiently polished his bone
you must understand
he had matters in hand
Whenever he talked on the phone!

There once was a hot babe from China
who never had used her vagina
until one fine day
when a man she did lay
And she screamed cuz it felt oh-so-fine-aaa

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think --
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!

There was a young man from Seattle
who yanked it nonstop- he was addled
choked his chicken to death
but with its last breath
raised the white flag that ended the battle.

There was a young whore from Baroda
Who built an erotic Pagoda
And the wall of its halls
Were festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools that bestrode her.

There was a young shepherd, a singer
Whose schlong was a great big humdinger
Til he got in a fray
with a girl one fine day
and she left him with barely a stinger!

There once was a mohel from Minsk
Who saved all his customers' skinsk
Tho they looked odd in a jar
He was kinder by far
Than his zeyde, who make from them a blintzk.

There once was a shoychet from Chelm
Who would only use knives on an elm.
To the question most basic --
Is an elm really fleishig?
He replied, what are you, nuts? It's an elm.
A rabbi who'd never seen lipstick
Was beguiled by a slut from Zalistchyk.
He awoke with a start
with regret in his heart
And a most nasty rash on his pippik.

there once was a jew from peru
who was vainly attempting to screw
his wife screamed "oy vey,
if you keep up this way,
the messiah will come before you"

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.

There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
she confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky."

There was a young girl from Eeling,
who claimed she'd no sexual feeling
But along came young Boris,
he touched her clit-oris,
and she had to be scraped from the ceiling

Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass,
And grabbed her ass
And now two of his teeth are missing.

A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that's quite economical
But the good ones I write
Are dirty, not trite
And the clean ones aren't very comical

A lezzie girl from Khartoum
Asked a gay boy up to her room
They spent half the night
In a hell of a fight
Over who should do what, and to whom
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting primly,
Said, "Heaven's above,
I know sex ain't love...
But it's sure an attractive facsimile"

There was a young lady name Twilling
Who went to the dentist for drilling
But due to depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
Now Twilling's nursing her filling

There once was a warrior from Parma
Who got into bed with a charmer
She, naturally nude,
Said, "Don't think me rude,
But I do wish you'd take off your armor"

She wasn't what one would call pretty,
And the other girls offered her pity
Thus nobody guessed
That her Wassermann Test
Involved half the men of the city

An old hooker with whom I was dealing
Assured me her bod was appealing
so appealed off her dress
but she failed to impress
And left me with no hard feeling

There was a young man who's dong
Was prodigiously, massively long
Down the sides of his whang,
two testes did hang
Which attracted a curious throng

There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth, 4 her vagina
Her clitoris huge
she covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor

There was a hooker from Honchu
Who on peckers and penises did chew.
Said a friend, "Why don't you
Have them stick it to you,
Then you could enjoy the sex too".

There was a man from Havana,
Who thought he could play the piana
His fingers slipped,
his zipper unzipped.
And out came a hairy banana!

There once was a man from Australia
Who had rather large genitalia
he said to his bride,
don't try to hide
'cause wherever you go I can nail ya'
A young engineer name of Paul
Was equipped with an octagonal ball
The square of his weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call.

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight 'un."
She replied, " 'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right 'un."

There was a young man from Devizes
With balls of two different sizes.
One was small
And was no use at all,
The other was large and won prizes.

There was a young man from Iraq
who had holes down the side of his cock
his boyfriend Umberto
could play a concerto
by Johannes Sebastian Bach

A lab tech with acute constipation
Found relief through centrifugation.
At one thousand times mass,
His tool flew out his ass,
And he found both relief and elation.

There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too!"

There once was a fellow named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "I would admit,
That I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save!"

There was a young lady from France
Who got on a bus in a trance
Everyone fucked her
Apart from the Conductor
But he came twice in his pants

Once a young woman named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.

There once was a poor man named Crocket
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
So she cranked on the switch,
And Crocket took off like a rocket!
There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know, love, it's me."

There once was a policeman of Munchen
Whose penis one day ceased to function.
For the rest of his life,
He deceived his good wife
By the intelligent use of his truncheon.

There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.

There once was a man from Kent
Whose cock was so long it was bent.
To stay out of trouble,
He stuck it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.

There once was a sailor from Brighton
Who said to a lass, "You're a tight one."
She replied "'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole!
There's plenty of room in the right one."

There was a young man from Purdue,
Who was only just learning to screw.
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back -
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.

There once was a fellow named Howard,
Whose large tool was nuclear-powered.
While grabbing some ass,
He reached critical mass;
But think of the girl he deflowered!

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know,
A woman is fine,
And a sheep is divine,
But a llama is 'numero uno'."

There once was a Queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a Prince from Peru,
Who came for a screw,
Had to hunt for her c**t with a terrier.

There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat.

A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.

There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.

There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"

There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.

There once was a girl from Arden
who sucked off a man in the garden.
I said "My dear Flo
where does all that stuff go?"
And she (gulp), "I beg your pardon".

In the garden of Eden laid Adam
complacently stroking his madam.
So great was his mirth
for in all of the earth
there were only two balls and he had them.

An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
said "Fucking is one thing I do know,
All Women are fine
and sheep are divine,
but Llamas are Numero Uno".





There was a young girl from Wheeling,
whenever she'd get the feeling,
she'd lay on her back
and tickle her crack
and piss all over the ceiling.

There once was a man from Pompei
Who fashioned a snatch out of clay
The heat from his prick,
Turned the clay into brick
And tore all his foreskin away!!

There once was a man from Boston
who bought himself an Austin.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost them.

There once was a man from Boston
who bought himself an Austin.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost them.

There Once Was A Girl From Srilanka
Whose Cunt Was As Big As A Tanker
You Could Go For A Swim
In The Depths Of Her Quim
And You Needed A Lamppost To Wank Her

There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."

Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is . . . spice?

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said "Shit! Your hole is a tight one!"
Said the girl, "Shut your face!
"You're in the wrong place."
There's plenty of room in the right one!"

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

Clinton says"I love Hollywood!
I've helped every star that I could!
So let's have a big hand
For Chief Justice Streisand
Who, by the way, gives head real good!"

There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."

A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days
They screwed eighty ways -
Imagine such fucking devotion!

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
She was missing a tit
She smelled like shit
But think of the money he saved

There once was a man from Sydney
Who could put it in up to her Kidney
But a man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck
Now he had a big one, didn't he!

There was an old man from Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard on the moon
When least you'd expect 'em
They'd roar from his rectum
With the force of a Burma typhoon!

Have you ever made love to a ghost?
"I'm the best!" he said with a boast...
"I never get tired,
I can't be a sire,
and my rod is as hard as a post."

"I'll make love to you all night,
and not once give you a fright.
You'll never get sore,
I promise you more
than anyone else has a right."

She just didn't know what to do...
Should she let him until he was through?
A most tempting offer,
straight from the coffer,
and not once had he said "Boo!"

And soon a soft little ghost kiss
convinced her she didn't want to miss
a rare opportunity,
with no real impunity,
to enjoy the entire night's bliss.





There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
while played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

There once was a man named Snodgrass,
whose balls were made out of brass.
He knocked them together
and sang "Stormy Weather"
while lightning shot out of his ass.

The sea captain's tender young bride
fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
that some of the eels
had discovered a dark place to hide.

There once was a man from Boston
who bought himself an Austin.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost them.

There once was a woman from Purdue
Who had nothing better to do
So she sat on the stairs
Counted cunt hairs
Four thousand three hundred and two!

A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."

There once was a man from Sydney
Who could put it in up to her Kidney
But a man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck
Now he had a big one, didn't he!





From a crypt in the church of St. Giles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles!!
"My goodness gracious!"
Said brother Ignatius.
"I forgot that your lordship has piles.

A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
"The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups."

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who Kept a dead whore in his cave
She was missing a tit
She smelled like shit
But think of the money he saved

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "`Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."

There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.

There was a young dentist Malone
who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
he filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!

There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be Couth
He added some Vermouth
And slipped his chick a Martini!

There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex,
It could please either sex,
And it played with itself in between. (But, oh, what a bastard to clean!)

There was a young lady of Crewe
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

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Gatotomaso@...
 

A couple of my favorites:

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno,
Said this one thing about love I do know.
A woman is fine.
A sheep is devine.
But a llama is "numero uno".

There was a young man from Kent,
Whose peter was so long that it bent.
This gave him no trouble.
He put it in double.
And instead of coming he went.

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