Halloween Puns (repaired)


James Ertner
 

Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?

A: A BOOlogna sandwich.



Jim

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Q: What do ghosts need to throw successful Haloween party?

A: A good host




Q: What is Frankenstein's favorite cheese?

A: Muenster



Doug S.

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Q: Why did the vampire get excited when the woman he was pursuing turned him down?




A: She said any further attempts to woo her would be in vain.







Q: Why did the vampire who was visiting D.C. want most of all to go to the Capital Beltway?




A: He heard it was a main artery.




Cyn




= = = = =




Q: How do vampires cross the ocean?

A: On blood vessels.



Jim

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A vampire walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry but we don't serve your type"



Doug S.

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Q: Why do ghosts make horrible liars?

A: Because you can see right thru them



Doug S.

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One kid came to my door last year begging for candy but chanted his own version of the traditional phrase singing, "Trick or Treat or Lose Your Suite." I had to ask, "And what scary thing are you supposed to be?"

The little brat replied, "I'm A-lien"



Doug S.

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One Warlock turned to the other and said, “what is the special flavor in the soup?"

The second replied, “’Tis the seasoning of the witch.”




Bert

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Two kids came to my door last year begging for candy. At first I thought they were not in costume as they appeared to be dress in ordinary street clothes. I had to ask, “Why are you not in costume?” They replied, “Oh, but we are. We’re pair o’ normals.”

Gary Hallock

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I hear the assistant to to the Lone Ranger was a psychic; I think I heard that right.


We have a celebrity "trace your ancestors" series of programmes. A case of Tele Kin esis.


Joseph Harris

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Elizabet h Montgomery always wanted to be a witch doctor but she couldn’t pass the tests at medical school, Samanthas were just too difficult for her.




Gary Hallock

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Immediately upon tasting the witch’s brew, eye newt was missing an important ingredient.




Gary Hallock

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Every fall the skeleton moms go to the maul haunting for bargains at the "back to skull sales."

Gary Hallock

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If a funeral home director discovers that the dearly departed was lactose intolerant, does he have a moral obligation to refuse a cremation?



Doug S.



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OK: Abuse this word: Department




The leading man's younger sister is department for you.




Cyn

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Did you know that the founders of Dillard's, J.C.Penny,Montgomery Wards and Bealls all departed before they died?







Doug S.

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Off-color? Isn't a culler someon e who separated out the bad oysters and clams from a fresh-caught batch?
And a batch is a man who's never married.
And a mere reed is a simple spinelike plant.
And a plant is like Mercury, Mars, Venus.
Venus is the beginning of a question--like Venus the new movie theatre going to open?
And to open is to spout an opinion about something.
ENOUGH!
Cyn


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Yep, that's the one but I didn't want to mention it as I thought it was a tad off-color


Doug S.



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Is that the blonde who dyed?




Jim

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Didja hear about the blonde who figured that after the burial she'd get her hair done while at the (funeral) parlor?



Doug S.

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If Gary’s funeral invitation isn’t in graved, then it should at least be encrypted.




Jim








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If Superman were to die and come back as a ghost would he be vulnerable to Cryptonite?



Doug S

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If you receive an invitation to attend a funeral, shouldn't it be in graved?

Gary Hallock



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The mad scientist created a creature that was part crow, part fish. But the creature died. Th e mad scientist buried it in a caw-fin.




Cyn




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Q: Where do vampires go when they seek revenge?

A: They go for blood



Doug S.

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Didja hear about the witch who didn't know how to use a spell chequer?







And then there was the vampire who underwent years of heart draining to learn his craft but failed the final exam because the text was too arteried.




Gary Hallock




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Q: How do vampires like their stakes?

A: Very rare




Q: What earned the young vampire student bonus points in art class?

A: Wh en he drew blood




Q: How do you know when 2 vampires aren't getting along?

A: They have bad blood between them



Doug S.


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Re Gary's pun on "Grim Reaper" below, while posing with his fencing sword, why did the Grim Rapier suddenly make a bee-line for the restroom? He had to take epee. I guess that foiled the photographer's plans for a perfect photo.

Charles

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Q: What would you call the specter of death when he's wielding a fencing sword?




A: The Grim Rapier.



(I guess warlock-y to have this forum to share our Halloween puns.)



Gary Hallock

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Q: What was the vampire child's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: A-tisket, a-casket



Cyn




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< /div>
Q: How do vampires avoid catching hepatitis?

A: A shot of gamma goblin



Doug S.

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Q: What did the blonde vampiress want for her birthday?

A: A plasma TV



Doug S.



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Q: Where do they cremate seductive women?


A: On vamp pyres.




Jim

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Two vampires walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What are y'all doing here?" One of the vampires looks at his fellow vampire and asks, "Good question, what artery doing here anyway?"



Doug S.

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Q: What do you call an animated feature starring the bones of the dead?
< /font>



A: A skele-toon.




Cyn




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One angler ghost asked another, "Can you clean out all these fish?" The other replied sure. "I can Scale-A-Ton"


Doug S.



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Q: What was the ghoul's favorite Danny Kaye movie?




A: The In-Spectre General.




Cyn




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Q: What did the 2 zombies order from the psychic Pizza shop?
A: Two mediums



Doug S.

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I had thought we had exhausted all Halloween-related puns in the years past, but you folks have managed to come up with some new ones this year. It just ghost to show you!




Cyn




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Q: What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?

A: The actors get stage fright.




Jim

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[Unable to display image]
Q: What did the ghost bring to his living friend's Halloween party?


A: His presence



Doug S.
< font size="2" face="Arial">
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The monster kept a fan at his bedside year-round because he wanted to stay nice and ghoul.












Cyn

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Are diamonds a ghoul’ s best friend?











Jim

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When Tighe's master saw his friend's drawing of something white and shapeless, he didn't know what he was looking at. The friend illuminated him, saying, "It's a ghost, Buster."




Cyn

= = = = =

Well I’ll bewitched.




Jim

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My stockbroker is an old hag from near Boston. When I ask her for advice about shares of stocks, her advice is always the same: "Buy 'em low! Salem high!"

Charles


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Did you know that vampire bats are neck-rophiliacs?




Other bats are just fly-by-night operators.




JIm

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I thought we were going to have a seance when they said it was time for "table rap". Then they brou ght out rolls of brown paper and string.

Joseph Harris
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What late senator from Pennsylvania always announced his candidacy for a future election on Halloween night?




Arlen Specter




What do Hungarians like to eat on Halloween night?




ghoulash


Charles

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A very mean spirited group of psychics approved elections amongst their ranks in hopes of finding a happy medium



Doug S.

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I agree with Charles...Gary's limerick was for the birds





Doug S.

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Re Gary's limerick below, it was a Poe one. He can do better!




Charles

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When I was a kid I could never decide what to wear for Halloween, but Mom always came up with good ideas. I guess this proves the costumer is always right.




Gary Hallock



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When the ghost went to his high school reunion, he ha d forgotten many of their names, though they were all familiar spirits.



Doug S.

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I have another friend who claims to make contact with the "other side" [and I do not refer to Party politics]. Ouija believe it?


He also tells me that spooks are not allowed to practice without training. Their ability is checked by one of Heaven's favourites. The In Spectre.


Joseph Harris
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https://www.facebook.com/PUNYPAGE/photos/a.452450341500910.1073741828.450317571714187/726086460803962/?type=1&theater




I’m certainly not out to sidetrack or derail this thread but we have a similar/parallel thread building this weekend on the PUNY FaceBoo k page. I’m double posting to both. I’ve also dug into my archives and have posted a few of my own from previous years. Click the link above to read what others are adding today.


[I also dug out this old limerick from a few years ago.]




Ravens are not, I suppose
A bird that much differs from crows
But folks, unenlightened
Still tend to be frightened
And that is, at least, apropos

Gary Hallock




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Guess his numb er was up



Doug

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The necrophiliac was very busy on Halloween night. This explains why he woke up a little stiff the next morning.




Gary Hallock



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Re Stan's comment below about finding new plots, writers of bizarre stories (horror, fa ntasy, etc.) like to find wide rows of graves. It gives them more space to contemplate. Unfortunately, some cemeteries have narrow rows of graves. These are called rowlings.Charles
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I have a friend who can't practice his violin at home, so he goes to graveyards to do so. He says that works best if he plays soul music. When I hear him he gives spirited performances.


Joseph Harris
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Stephen King, the best-selling horror-story novelist obsessivejy visits cemeteries to find new plots.

Stan


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The alpha tom of a group of turkeys told rest o f them to keep quiet because some zombi es were around. Unfortunately, they kept making turkey noises. So the alpha tom shouted out angrily "Quit goblin!"Charles

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The young immature ghost always got bullied and picked on by the others until he finally gruesome


Doug S.





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A pretty female ghost was trying to seduce a handsome ghoul all night long bu t the ghoul kept rejecting her. When his buddies asked why he didn't go for it, he replied, "Why ruin my night when I cadaver in the morning"



Doug S.




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The female ghost went haunting for a boyfriend but refused to slip between the sheets with any of them because she feared they might no t re-specter in the mourning.


Gary Hallock




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The zombie politician started his speech with, "My Fellow Zombies, Lend Me Your Ears"



Do ug S.





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Was that ghoul unimpressed with that ghost or was it his selection of spirits?


Doug S.



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When the ghost met the ghoul of his dreams he tried to woo-woo her by getting her drunk on boos. She, howe ver, was unimpressed and told him that she was already spooken for. Howl he ever get over her?




Gary Hallock




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Stan honey -




As a fellow a uthor I appreciate that you selected our small forum to launch that (deservedly) fave of yours from your & Rich's book. Mega sales to you two with the book. May your numbers be spooktacular.




Luv -
Cyn



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Over a third of "Hilarious Holiday Humor" w hich I wrote with Richard Lederer are Halloween jokes, as is his entire new book, "Monster’s Unchained" I’ve been posting Halloween riddles all month . However a Halloween riddle that is one of my favorites from our book, and one I’ve never seen elsewhere is this one:



Q.:How do corpses in graveyards send messages to each other?



A.: They send CRYPTO-GRAMS.




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Q: What do ghosts wear on rainy days?

A: Ghoulashes.




Jim

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What famous comic strip writer w rote a spin-off on the fictional detective Dick Tracy and his quest to find zombie killers?

Chester Ghould



Charles



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Every Halloween since 2007, a ghost with a very distin ctive mustache has been spotted in the mirror singing on stage at the Phantom of the Opera play in Las Ve gas. Some have speculated it to be the spirit of Robert Ghoulet



Doug Spector





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Why shouldn't you goose a ghost? < /div>



You may get a handful of sheet.




Charles


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I don't like talking to vampires becau se they have bat breath.



Last time a met a vampire, he made a bad impression on me.




This year Miley Cyrus is going to go Twirk or Tweeting.




billcrider
< /font>


Gary Hallock

gary@...

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