Halloween Puns (repaired)


James Ertner
 

Q: Where do they cremate seductive women?
A: On vamp pyres.

Jim
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Two vampires walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What are y'all doing here?" One of the vampires looks at his fellow vampire and asks, "Good question,what artery doing here anyway?"
 
Doug S. 
=============== 

Q: What do you call an animated feature starring the bones of the dead?

A: A skele-toon.

Cyn

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One angler ghost asked another, "Can you clean out all these fish?" The other replied sure. "I can Scale-A-Ton"
 
Doug S.
 
========== 

Q: What was the ghoul's favorite Danny Kaye movie?

A: The In-Spectre General.

Cyn

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Q: What did the 2 zombies order from the psychic Pizza shop?/ div>
A:  Two mediums
 
Doug S.
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I had thought we had exhausted all Halloween-related puns in the years past, but you folks have managed to come up with some new ones this year. It just ghost to show you!

Cyn

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Q: What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
A: The actors get stage fright.

Jim
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Q: What did the ghost bring to his living friend's Halloween party?
A: His presence
 
Doug S.
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 The monster kept a fan at his bedside year-roun d because he wanted to stay nice and ghoul.

Cyn

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Are diamonds a ghoul’s best friend?

Jim
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When Tighe's master saw his friend's drawing of something white and shapeless, he didn't know what he was looking at. The friend illuminated him, saying, "It's a ghost, Buster."

Cyn

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Well I’ll bewitched.

Jim
========================
 

My stockbr oker is an old hag from near Boston.  When I ask her for advice about shares of stocks, her advice is always the same:  "Buy 'em low!  Salem high!"


Charles


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Did you know that vampire bats are neck-rophiliacs?

Other bats are just fly-by-night operators.

JIm
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I thought we were going to have a seance when they said it was time for "table rap". Then they brought out rolls of brown paper and string.

Joseph Harris
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What late senator from Pennsylvania always announced his candidacy for a future election on Halloween night?

Arlen Specter 

What do Hungarians like to eat on Halloween night?

ghoulash

Charles


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A very mean spirited group of psychics approved elections amongst their ranks in hopes of finding a happy medium
 
Doug S.
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I agree with Charles...Gary's limerick was for the birds
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Doug S.
===============
 
Re Gary's limerick below, it was a Poe one.  He can do better!

Charles


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When I was a kid I could never decide what to wear for Halloween, but Mom always came up with good ideas. I guess this proves the costumer is always right.

Gary Hallock

============
When the ghost went to his high school reunion, he had forgotten many of their names, though they were all familiar spirits.
 
Doug S.
=== ============ 

I have another friend who claims to make contact with the "other side" [and I do not refer to Party politics]. Ouija believe it?
He also tells me that spooks are not allowed to practice without training. Their ability is checked by one of Heaven's favourites. The In Spectre.
Joseph Harris
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I’m certainly not out to sidetrack or derail this thread but we have a similar/parallel thread building this weekend on the PUNY FaceBook page. I’m double posting to both. I’ve also dug into my archives and have posted a few of my own from previous years. Click the link above to read what others are adding today. 

[I also dug out this old limerick from a few years ago.]

Ravens are not, I suppose
A bird that much differs from crows
But folks, unenlightened
Still tend to be frightened
And that is, at least, apropos

Gary Hallock

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Guess his number was up
 
Doug
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The necrophiliac was very busy on Halloween night. This explains why he woke up a little stiff the next morning.

Gary Hallock

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Re Stan's comment below about finding new plots, writers of bizarre stories (horror, fantasy, etc.) like to find wide rows of graves.  It gives them more space to contemplate.  Unfortunately, some cemeteries have narrow rows of graves.  These are called rowlings.
Charles
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I have a friend who can't practice his violin at home, so he goes to graveyards to do so. He says that works best if he plays soul music. When I hear him he gives spirited performances.
Joseph Harris
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Stephen King, the best-selling horror-story novelist obsessivejy visits cemeteries to find new plots. 
Stan

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The alpha tom of a group of turkeys told rest o f them to keep quiet because some zombies were around. Unfortunately, they kept making turkey noises.  So the alpha tom shouted out angrily "Quit goblin!"
Charles

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The young immature ghost always got bullied and picked on by the others until he finally gruesome  
 
Doug S. 

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A pretty female ghost was trying to seduce a handsome ghoul all night long bu t the ghoul kept rejecting her. When his buddies asked why he didn't go for it, he replied, "Why ruin my night when I cadaver in the morning"
 
Doug S.

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The female ghost went haunting for a boyfriend but refused to slip between the sheets with any of them because she feared they might not re-specter in the mourning. 

Gary Hallock

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The zombie politician started his speech with, "My Fellow Zombies, Lend Me Your Ears"
 
Doug S.

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< div>Was that ghoul unimpressed with that ghost or was it his selection of spirits? 
 
Doug S. 
 
===============
 
When the ghost met the ghoul of his dreams he tried to woo-woo her by getting her drunk on boos. She, however, was unimpressed and told him that she was already spooken for. Howl he ever get over her?

Gary Hallock

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Stan honey -

As a fellow author I appreciate that you selected our small forum to launch that (deservedly) fave of yours from your & Rich's book. Mega sales to you two with the book. May your numbers be spooktacular.

Luv -
< div>Cyn

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Over a third of "Hilarious Holiday Humor" which I wrote with Richard Lederer are Halloween jokes, as is his entire new book,  "Monster’s Unchained"  I’ve been posting Halloween riddles all month. However a Halloween riddle that is one of my favorites from our book, and one I’ve never seen elsewhere is this one:

Q.:How do corpses in graveyards send messages to each other?

A.: They send CRYPTO-GRAMS.

/ div>
S tan 

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Q: What do ghosts wear on rainy days?
A: Ghoulashes.

Jim
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What famous comic strip writer w rote a spin-off on the fictional detective Dick Tracy and his quest to find zombie killers?
  Chester Ghould 

Charles


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Every Halloween since 2007, a ghost with a very distin ctive mustache has been spotted in the mirror singing on stage at the Phantom of the Opera play in Las Ve gas.  Some have speculated it to be the spirit of Robert Ghoulet 
 
Doug Spector 

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Why shouldn't you goose a ghost? 

You may get a handful of sheet.

Charles

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I don't like talking to vampires becau se they have bat breath.

Last time a met a vampire, he made a bad impression on me.

This year Miley Cyrus is going to go Twirk or Tweeting.

billcrider


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